A
Christian Woman’s Guide to Picking a Man By The
Rev. Robert McLeod The
Problem Being the emotionally sensitive man that
I am, it has only taken me 18 years of work
in the ministry to detect an undercurrent of dissatisfaction amongst women
regarding
the quality of the men they have become allied with. Surprisingly, many of the gents
who arouse this ire are themselves, at least in their own estimate,
Christians. When I
hear the stories of sin, bad judgment and outright stupidity women have had to
endure, I have
to ask myself, how did these women end up with these losers? Didn’t they at some point
have a chance to say “no?” Was
there no warning? Whether early in
the game or late,
our society does in fact give women the chance to say “no.” Whether in response to the
question, “Hey baby, can I buy you a drink?” or “Will you marry me?” we grant
women
the all-important opportunity to decline.
The problem, then, must be that women don’t
have a proper understanding of what criteria must be met before that “no”
becomes a
“yes.” This, then, is a guide
intended to fill the void, a comprehensive and Biblically-
based
guide for how a woman, especially a Christian one, should go about separating
the wheat
from the chaff when it comes to men. Men are simple creatures, and so a
discussion of them can and should be kept simple
as well. Men have two needs, food
and sex, and with divine symmetry, they also have
two functions in the family. Paul,
in his famous passage in Ephesians chapter five, says
that men should treat women the way they treat their own bodies, by 1)
feeding them and
2) caring for them. At the
risk of being branded a quisling to the XY faction, I will now
describe what a latent wife-feeder might look like. Part II of the Guide will explore
if
he is also capable of caring for you.
In a penultimate essay I will prescribe a list of do’s
and don’ts for locating a man, and then Part IV will conclude with The Great
Secret: how
to land the catch. Today:
Can He Feed Me? Let’s start with a man’s first
obligation: feeding a wife. This
complex task is accomplished
through an activity many men find abhorrent: finding and keeping a job. Thus,
the first question you should ask a male candidate while you are out trolling is
this: “What
do you do for a living?” If the
answer is, “I am in between jobs”…”I’m a freelance
(insert lame job here)” or “I design web pages,” smile and say, “What a
wonderful
career” and head for the door.
Assuming they have a job, which actually pays something,
your next question should be designed to ferret out just what kind of job it is.
The problem here is that all jobs are not
created equal. Society rewards
those who have
skills it needs by paying them in proportion to that need. Thus, society doesn’t need unskilled
labor much, and so it doesn’t pay those people a lot. Witness most clergy. It does
need those with real talent and dedication, however, and so it tends to pay
doctors and
basketball stars a lot more. What’s
important here is that the job at least have the potential
to pay well, preferably with a salary.
A salary means an amount paid, rain or shine,
each year, to get the job done.
Hourly wages don’t pay when you’re sick or on vacation,
and hourly wage jobs usually don’t have any fringe benefits like health or life
insurance
or pensions. These things may seem
trivial now, but unless you have them, your
marriage is likely to be a financial rodeo. And what makes a man attractive,
actually,
if not this ability to bring home the bacon? Look at Anna Nicole Smith. She obviously
doesn’t care what a man looks like, or how well he dances. Her motto is, “Where
there’s a will, there’s a way.”
Sure she’s a mercenary, but she’s also proof women
can overlook a lot if there’s a promise of financial security. We live in a world of scarcity,
and society actively punishes those who have not taken steps early on in life to
gain
marketable skills. And this brings us to the corollary
matter of education. You see, the
guy can only advance
in his chosen field of endeavor to the extent that he knows what he’s
doing. This means
education beyond junior high, girls.
There was a time when a high school diploma meant
the key to success; but those days are deader than disco. Today, you’ve absolutely got
to have something more in your holster than reading, writing and
‘rithmetic. There are
exceptions to this rule of being educated, however. Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard
to write DOS, but last I heard, this is not the norm. Date the good-looking guy who
cleans your swimming pool and you may have fun for a season, but in the end,
he’ll never
earn a decent salary. If you want a man who can bring home the dollars, then by
all means
go after the class nerd who’s already written a program to combat spam and who’s
three
months away from being a millionaire.
Drop the idea that you care about what a guy
looks like, or what kind of moves he has.
All that is crap. What
counts first and foremost
is simply this: can he make enough money so that you don’t have to work and
life’s
not one on-going financial battle?
Somebody’s got to be refreshed come evening time,
when the real work of living starts. Next
Issue: Can He Care For Me? Part
II: Can He Care for Me? In Part I of the Guide, I revealed the
sine qua non of picking a man, that he possess
a useful skill. That, in turn,
usually means education. I don’t
want to subscribe to
a crude economic determinism, but without a real career, a man’s just a drag on
his family. Besides, when a man’s educated, he
learns more about the larger world, and can actually,
believe it or not, develop some sensibilities which have a nice domestic
touch. Imagine,
if you will, a man who can actually read books with big words in them and no
pictures
(like the Bible,) listen to spoken addresses (like sermons,) and actually see
tomorrow’s
implications for today’s actions. A
famous sociologist has said that the only real
difference between the social classes is that upper class people can think about
tomorrow,
while lower class people cannot.
Staying in school to get an education or at least
some sort of valid trade skill is a prerequisite for being a good husband and
father, which
is a pretty good definition of what it means to have class. That said, what about the second function
men are to perform for women, the “caring”
for a wife? I know that using the
words “man” and “caring” in the same sentence
is to invite scorn and disbelief, but indulge me for the moment. The fact is, women
are physically weaker than men, and need to be protected from things that will
do them
harm, such as other stupid men, cars with flat tires, jars that won’t open,
taxes and bill-paying. Women can do just about anything if they
put their mind to it, but that doesn’t
mean they should. It’s not about
ability, but about manners. Emily
Post says manners
are the art of making people feel comfortable, and a man can actually make a
woman
feel good on occasion if he’ll take over some basic responsibilities.
Simply put, the man you are looking for
will make sure you do not have to be afraid
of the predations of other men or machines. He will say nice things about you to
his
friends, he will oppose those who give you trouble, and he will know how to do
simple
mechanical procedures so that you will not have to. He will change the oil in your
car,
check on the pressure in the tires, he will wash the thing and empty his beer
cans out of
the back seat if the kids need to go along. He will know how to drive a stick and
help you
to learn to do so as well. He will
know how to set up the VCR to tape Access Hollywood,
ER
and American Idol for you, even when he doesn’t want to watch them
himself. He will do the taxes, balance the
checkbook, have a family budget and work with
you to keep shoe acquisitions in line with income. He will not have dippy habits
like
golf, gambling, drinking to excess or anything else which hurt his ability to
earn or manage
money. He will mow the lawn, clean
the gutters, and fix appliances when necessary
without calling the repairman. Finally, a man should protect his wife
from the most dangerous thing of all, your own
children. No man worthy of the name
will shirk his responsibility of disciplining the children. He will believe in corporal punishment,
while being able to distinguish between
honest mistakes, fatigue and outright rebellion on the part of the child. Such a father
makes sure that the kids are secure within limits, so that his wife can be a
mother and
not a monster. God has ordained
that in order to make kids, you need a mother and father. It is His plan that the dude stick
around and deal with the fruit of his fun.
Every family
needs a parent to minister justice, and one to minister grace. This is to reflect Jesus’
dual role as Savior and Lord. How
you divide up the work is up to you, but it can’t
be done right without a man around. Next
Issue: The Yeti, The Unicorn, and the Desirable Man Part
III: The Yeti, The Unicorn, and the Desirable Man
By now you’re no doubt saying, “Such men
exist only in The Princess Bride and other
fairy tales.” Not so. There are actually good men out there,
but unfortunately, they’re
hiding. Hunted to near extinction
within the Church, many have sought refuge in other
habitats where they can live in peace.
Your job, ladies, is to go and find them. As I’ve
already hinted, your first move might be to stop looking in church at all. I will go so far
as to say that many of the character traits you want in a man; a love of truth,
a penchant
for honesty and fair play, a sense of humor and a brain may prove incompatible
with
church attendance. Face it, many
churches are so often dull, religious, hypocritical and
downright incorrect in what they believe and teach that they’re not worth the
lightning
God could use to destroy them. So
step number one is to stop looking for the guy
who’s already converted. It’s easier to make a man a Christian than to make a
Christian
a man, if you know what I mean. This doesn’t mean you should engage in
missionary
dating to the extent that you deny your moral stance. It simply means that the revelation
of the Lordship of Jesus Christ can dawn upon a man in an instant, while the
necessary
preparations that make him a suitable life partner take years and years, with or
without
the accoutrements of religion. You
can find unattached straight men in church, but
be prepared for Islamic levels of repression, stultified love-making, and a
generalized candy-assed
approach to life.
So if they’re often not in church,
then where are they? God made men
to be fighters,
in part so they can protect their women-folk. To a great extent, however, modern
society has robbed men of their opportunities to prove themselves in
conflict. Real
men will, if given the chance, find other avenues for releasing the aggression
and competitiveness
God has instilled in them. This is
the explanation of all the “extreme” sports
and diversions that are gaining popularity. Thus, instead of going to a singles
Bible
study where the “men” are hopelessly picked over, think of hobbies, cultural
activities
and recreation that you can relate to where real men might be found and
hunted. Don’t
worry that rock climbing, mountaineering, auto racing, skiing and scuba diving
are dangerous;
worry that you might marry some poltroon who doesn’t see the challenge in
such
things. Besides, that’s why God
invented life insurance. So not only are Christian girls looking
in the wrong places, they’re erecting qualifications
which may sound spiritual, but which are in fact unbiblical. For starters, don’t
faint if the guy drinks a little.
Now if he drinks wine coolers, Zema or bourbon of any
brand, beware, as the devil has hold of his soul. Beer and single malt scotch,
however,
represent what God intended barley to be used for. At least, that’s what Friar Tuck
would have us believe. Ben Franklin
said that beer is proof that God loves us and wants
us to be happy, and I agree. Wine,
too, unadulterated, makes man’s heart glad, and Jesus
made 180 gallons of the stuff, for crying out loud. The Bible rightly inveighs against
drunkenness, but it endorses reasonable drinking. If you want a man, don’t hurt
the
odds by being so religious. What I’m driving at is that you want a
man, not a mere male. He needs to
be able to
roust himself to face and meet any challenge in a creative manner and to bring
about a positive
outcome. If he can solve problems
in his vocation and avocations, he can also bring
those skills to bear upon problems on the home front. Don’t worry that he be part of
your particular religious clique, worry that he’s honest in all his dealings and
knows and
follows the Golden Rule. That’s all
God cares about, and so should you. Next
Issue: How to Land the Catch Part
IV: How to Land the Catch Women can usually keep their heads and
show pretty good judgment when dealing
with men as an abstraction. Where
trouble usually comes in is when they have somebody
on the line who actually seems to be one “who will do.” Threats abound: other
women, bad living situations, financial pressures, and worst of all, the dreaded
biological
clock. The temptation is to resort
to chicanery or outright treachery to stand out
from the crowd and get the man to propose. Prudence requires that the first words of
guidance on this topic be clear and unequivocal. If you want God’s help at all, you can’t
use the devil’s techniques. This
means
you absolutely cannot engage in shortcuts in order to “help” God find you the
proper
spouse. This means you must
carefully avoid all of the following techniques which
may work in the short run but not in the long. 1)
Having sexual contact of any sort with the guy before you’re
married. If he’s a
man of quality, your chastity will increase your desirability, not decrease
it. The gentleman
won’t even try to hustle you. If
you think sex will help, read 2 Samuel chapter 13
on how sex changes a man’s feelings.
Not only does premarital sex offend God and hurt
your chances for enjoying sex in marriage for the rest of your living days, it
tends to lock
you into a choice which passing time may suggest is wrong. Never invest in a guy to
the point that you can’t, up until you’re at the altar, say, “I’ve changed my
mind.” 2)
Splitting up an existing marriage by luring the husband away. If he’ll do it to her,
he’ll do it to you too. See Malachi
chapter 2 for God’s view of divorce.
Retreads make
bad tires, too. A man’s attitude
toward his vows is paramount. Vows
are to God, and
does this man have the potential to fear God? Put another way, does he fear and
respect
those authority structures through which God already works? What does he make of
his parents, his teachers, the boss, the police, the IRS and the President? If he can’t submit
to God’s agents, what makes you think he’s going to submit to you when God
speaks
to him through you? You see,
a woman finds peace and fulfillment not when she’s
in charge, but when she’s taken care of in every way. As for all people, male and female,
the point is not to be in the top position, but in the proper position. Passion for a woman
is tied to letting go, not taking over.
Thus, if you want a man you can trust in important
matters, he’s got to be somebody who is himself under authority. To the extent that
he keeps his vows and is accountable to higher ups, you can lose yourself to his
advances,
be they practical, romantic, sexual or spiritual. 3)
Lowering your standards because he’s the only game in town. Our God is a God
of excellence and not compromise.
Now all men are, to one degree or another, a “work
in progress.” When God made you a
helpmeet, he was pointing out that men do need
help. But women have needs too, and
only a real man can meet those needs.
Don’t rush
into marriage, and you won’t be subject to the curse of Genesis 3. Bill Gothard used to
paraphrase the last part of verse 16 with the words, “You’ll try to control your
husband,
but he won’t let you.” For
goodness’ sake, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound
of cure. You may get the creep to
dress better, but you’ll never alter his basic DNA. What you see is, for better or worse,
basically what you’ll get. And this brings us to The Great
Secret. In addition to avoiding
doing dumb things,
there is something positive you can do to get the guy to propose. What you do is pray
to God, and give Him permission to choose for you. Don’t go and say, I want this or
that
one, but rather, give God a list of specifics about what you want, and let Him
find the guy
who fills those requirements. I’m
not advocating an attitude of “Give me anybody.” I’m
saying that your prayers should be specific in terms of qualities, but vague in
terms of
names. When you ask for just old
anybody, you dishonor God and imply He doesn’t care
or can’t produce. When you get
specific and picky, however, you suggest that He’s in
fact all-knowing and almighty. All
this takes time, as men may take awhile to obey God’s
prompting. But if you remember that
He’s the one who gave you these needs in the
first place, you should be able to trust Him to meet them as well. Most women fail not
because they ask too much and become spinsters; most women fail because they ask
too
little and marry before God tells them to. So ladies, repeat after me, “No, thank
you.” These are the most important
words you
can ever speak when confronted with the advances of the Homo Sapien
male. Whatever
you do, do it from faith, because otherwise it’s sin. If men were challenged to get
their acts together before women would cooperate with them, they might actually
become
the useful, domesticated creatures God intended them to be when he made them
for
Himself, and by way of gift, for you. The Rev. Robert McLeod is the author of
Everything You Know is Wrong: The Case for a New Reformation. It is published by Fenestra Publishers, Tucson, Arizona. |